Category: Life

What it feels like to live in Israel right now

At around 6:30 this morning I was getting ready to go to the pool for a swim, when my phone lit up with rocket alerts. I thought it was a mistake. It was Saturday morning on a holiday (Sukkot) and there had been none of the usual round of posturing and threats that precedes a rocket barrage. I live in Tel Aviv, Israel, and we have these rounds of rockets launched from Gaza onto the city every two years or so, and we always know when they’re coming.

I stared at my phone as more and more alerts poured in, and I started to hear the distant thunder of exploding rockets. This wasn’t a mistake. Then there was the dreaded rocket siren, rising and falling, loud and clear and I got another alert on the phone, this time for my area.

Now imagine that it’s 6:30 on a Saturday morning of a national holiday, and you have a minute and half, 90 seconds, to get out of bed, get some clothes and some sort of footwear on you, and reach the nearest shelter — which in our case is the building’s basement. 

I got there at the nick of time, and I was the only one there. The other people in the building didn’t get out of bed in time. The attack was perfectly planned to catch as many people as possible unprepared, and it succeeded. My parents were having an early swim in the sea when they were evicted and sent home. I stood alone in the basement, surrounded by dead cockroaches (we had exterminators come in a few weeks ago), and couldn’t reach my family by phone because they were too busy trying to get to safety to answer me. I was also wracked with guilt about leaving my cats back at the apartment (they hid under the bed and there was no way I was going to be able to get them into their cat carrier and down to the basement in time). I also had no idea what was going on. 

By the second rocket barrage, about an hour later, the terrible news had started to pile up. It was a surprise attack by Hamas, 50 years and a day after the surprise attack on 1973, and executed with deadly efficiency. Thousands to rockets were launched throughout the morning and noon, hundreds of terrorist crossed the border killing everyone that crossed their path, and taking civilians and soldiers hostage, transferring some of them to Gaza. Cities and kibutzes in the south were overrun by Hamas militants with automatic rifles, placing them under siege for hours. Some of them are still under siege as I write these lines. First aiders and firefighters trying to get to them to help were shot and killed, leaving people waiting for hours to be evacuated to the nearest hospital. 

The hospitals themselves were overrun, with close to a thousand wounded pouring in in a few short hours during a holiday weekend. Medical personnel were called in, everyone who could be discharged was discharged, and calls went out to people to donate blood. People rushed by their hundreds to donate, waiting for hours to give blood, some turned away once the donation places were overwhelmed. My faith in humanity started to get restored.

I have a bakery right below my apartment, and they had baked all night with plans to open for a busy day today. The closed down and instead of throwing out the baked goods, an ambulance stopped by on the way to the local hospital and they piled it up with food to give to the medical personnel and people donating blood. 

The house next door to a colleague’s house was hit by a rocket, as was the house next door to one of my friends. The occupants were in the safe rooms, and so weren’t hurt, and luckily nothing caught on fire. There isn’t enough information about what’s going on, so WhatsApp groups are filled with wild rumours and sci-fi like scenarios to a point where the army needs to issue a statement to get everyone to stop forwarding this junk.

The streets were empty all day, the few shops that are open during the weekend closed their doors, and everyone sat at their phones and refreshed to see the news or tried to find out if everyone they knew was OK. Groups organized to get people from the south to safer homes in the centre and up north, and other groups organized to help figure out who was missing. Masses of people were conscripted, and I saw most of the men in the synagogue next door leave the Simchat Tora prayers to drive (on a Shabbat, yes, religious people drove) to join the fighting in the south. 

The situation right now is bleak. There are over a hundred dead, and close to a thousand wounded. There are people missing, some of them kidnapped to Gaza. Hospitals are strained to the max, school has been cancelled throughout the country and nobody knows what tomorrow will look like — but tonight will likely include another wave of rockets, likely more than one. 

Rockets on Tel Aviv

Woke up at 6:30 to rocket sirens. Multiple barrages, terrorists breached the fence, dead and wounded on the morning of the Sukkot holiday. Sketched this between barrages.

Donate to St Jude to Cure Childhood Cancer

St Jude is a research hospital in US that treats children who have cancer. They treat children both from the US and from outside the US, free of charge. If you know the US health system, you know what a big deal that is. They make their research freely and globally available, which in a world governed by the rush for profit, is also a big deal. They’re also spearheading an effort with the WHO to make cancer treatment more accessible and affordable to children around the world (Global Initiative for Childhood Cancer). 80% of children in high income countries survive cancer, but only 20% of children in low income countries do – and that’s because cancer medications (chemotherapy, immunotherapy, etc) are incredibly expensive. I live in a high income country and have a high income myself, but if my treatments weren’t funded by our healthcare system, I would have gone bankrupt.

Blood cancers (just like the one I had) are the most common cancers in children, and they are brutal. The cancers are aggressive, the treatment is aggressive, and any child that has to go through that, wherever they live in the world, wherever they happen to have been born, deserves the best chance that they can get — and I am saying that as an adult who’s lived through the experience.

So, go to this link and donate generously: https://relay.experience.stjude.org
Relay FM are running a donation drive this month, which is both Childhood Cancer Awareness month, and Blood Cancer Awareness month, and there are some goodies you can get through the campaign. And if you like cool pens, the Pen Addict and Studio Neat are running raffles for the event (donate separately please!).

They say that you need to repeat things 7 times for people to remember and act on them, so I’ve linked to the campaign 14 times in this post, just to be doubly sure you get the message.

Please give generously:

https://relay.experience.stjude.org

Weekly Update: Reading and Pen Inking

Long time no update, so I decided that it’s about time to write one up.

Reading

I’ve been in a terrible reading rut, and I blame the book that I’m currently reading: “The Books of Jacob” by Olga Tokarczuk, a 912 (!) page historical epic about Jacob Frank and his followers. I’m halfway through, and I’ve decided to put it aside for now and train my brain to enjoy reading again with some lighter and more fun material.

The book itself is masterfully written and researched, with the narrative made out of a carefully pieced together mosaic of characters, voices and narrative styles. I just cannot handle the subject matter right now. As my rights are being taken away by religious, power hungry fanatics, I don’t want to spend my free time reading about religious, power hungry fanatics. It has reached a point where I balk at the idea of reading again, and that’s just not healthy. I hate giving up on books like that, especially good books, but if I want to actually read again and not just beat myself up for not reading, I’m going to have to start reading something else.

Health

I went through a CPET (Cardiopulmonary Exercise Testing) last week and it was pretty intense. My lungs aren’t working well in high intensity since my chemo, and so a lung specialist sent me to get this test, to see whether my heart or my lungs are the issue.

It started with a spirometry test (which is a simple test done to check your lung capacity and performance), and then went on to the CPET itself. I was hooked up to an EKG and pre-test measurements were taken. Then I was fitted with a special mask and filter that recorded my air intake and CO2 levels. Finally I was put on a special stationary bike, attached to a blood pressure monitor and a blood oxygen level monitor, and told to pedal without stopping until I felt chest pain or was about to faint, or until I was told to stop. As the technician calmly told me, they have a lot of people fainting during this test, which is why they do it on a bike and not a treadmill. I said it was intense, right?

Anyway, I pedalled for my life, with the bike’s resistance being constantly raised, and me gradually getting out of breath. The point was to see why, so I didn’t stop until the technician stopped me, at which point a little over 10 minutes of constant intense exercise had gone by and I was drenched in sweat and panting. H

ere’s hoping that I get some useful insights from the results. In the meanwhile I’m still running 5 times a week, just not as fast as I would like.

Pens and Ink

I wrote most of my pens dry and filled in a new batch, this time consisting of mostly vintage pens. There are also two expensive pens in this rotation, a few old ink favourites and some completely new to me inks, and a weird selection of colours.

Writing samples
  • The Henry Simpole Jasmin Pen is one of the most expensive fountain pens I own, and one that doesn’t leave the house because I can never ever replace it. It’s a Conway Stewart button filler with a bouncy 18K gold nib, with silver overlay created by Henry for it. The late Henry’s birthday was on the 4th of July, and so to commemorate him and his work I inked this pen up. I chose the Kyo-iro ink because it’s an interesting dusky purple that I haven’t had enough time with. Like the Jasmine Pen (bought in Portobello Road market), I bought the ink in London (at Choosing Keeping).
  • The Lamy AL Star isn’t interesting, but the ink in it is new to me. The Graf von Faber-Castell Yozakura is a pale and shading pink that I normally would never have purchased, because it’s so light it’s almost unreadable. It was deeply discounted during the closeout of a local pen shop, and I came in late and had very little to buy to show my support. I probably should have inked a much wider nibbed pen with this, but I have a big bottle of it, so there’s always another time.
  • In the Mahjon Q1’s case the pen and nib are interesting, the nib is not. This is one of two pens (the other being the Sailor Fude in the end) which I inked solely for sketching purposes. It’s a weirdly shaped pocket eyedropper fountain pen that I bought with a fude (bent) nib. I’ll probably review it at some time in the future.
  • The Montblanc Victor Hugo was a pen that I bought at the end of last year, during my last visit to Mora Stylos. This was an impulse buy, something that would never have happened if not for the display that Montblanc used to sell this pen. I love the Notre Dame de Paris, I’ve visited her and sketched her many times, and my heart broke when she burnt down. She’s a survivor, and seeing this pen displayed in a diorama of the Notre Dame in all her white glory, I just had to buy it. The ink was a gift that Mr. Mora gave me with the pen.
  • Parker 51 pens. The cocoa and the teal were all purchases made in the local flea market, and the cocoa is part of a set (with a pencil) and the earliest of the bunch (from 1948, a first generation Aerometric). The teal was in pretty bad shape, and took me a while to flush out. The demonstrator Parker 51 is from Mora Stylos, has a gorgeous stub italic nib, and is likely one of the Argentinian, aftermarket demonstrators. The Parker 51 is my favourite pen, and I have a hard time not buying all of them.
  • The Pelikan M205 Petrol was a Black Friday purchase, and I haven’t inked it until now. The nib is great, the pen is great, and Iroshizuku Ama-Iro turquoise ink is quickly becoming one of my favourites. Such an optimistic, summery colour.
  • The Platinums include two Preppy’s that I’m trying out, after being disappointed with their durability in the past. The Plaisir is the pen that’s been inked the longest of the bunch.
  • The Sailor fude is filled with a new ink to me, the Graf von Faber-Castell Carbon Black. The ink was purchased in the same closeout sale as the pink Yozakura, and I’m planning on testing it out as a non-waterproof sketching ink.
  • I wrote the Conklin Lever filler on top dry just as I was planning this post, so it’s here for reference only. I purchased it at Mora Stylos, it’s from 1919 and it’s in user grade condition (cap discolouration, significant brassing, the imprint isn’t in perfect condition). The lever filling mechanism is infuriating to use, both for filling and for cleaning the pen, but there nib is magnificent. It’s a true flex nib, going from medium to triple broad with no effort or railroading, and it’s a joy to use. The fact that I enjoyed it so much, coupled with its tiny ink capacity, meant that it took me about a week to write it dry. I used Waterman Serenity Blue in it, and that ink once again proved its worth in troublesome vintage pens. It’s a great shade of blue that is very pen safe and super easy to clean out of pens (think the opposite to Bay State Blue). A must have for anyone dabbling in vintage pens IMHO.
The pens, from left to right, matching the order of the writing samples with an added guest on top

Other Stuff

I’m working on an adventure for a 30+ tabletop roleplaying convention at the end of the month. I may publish something here about how I write adventures for conventions.

In the meanwhile my D&D 5E game, set in a university like setting and a university town next to it, is progressing nicely. It’s the most complex campaign that I have ever written, but it’s wonderful to see the players rush around in this world, having the time of their lives exploring, interacting and trying to break stuff. D&D is a pure joy and a wonderful escape from the pretty dark reality we live in these days.

Speaking of both dark reality and things that cheer me up:

  • It’s week 27 of the pro-democracy protests, and we’re still showing up in numbers (that are growing again). It’s great seeing whole families show up, including the dogs, to say no to stripping the judicial branch of its oversight powers.
  • I’ve been sketching people’s dogs, and it’s a pure delight to try and capture their personality with each sketch. Plus, it’s making people happy, which is a good thing.
  • I’ve managed to help a few people get back to running, and that’s always a joy. Go get some exercise. Do something you enjoy, and even 10 minutes is enough. As Dr. Jen Gutner says, exercise is like finding money in the street: if you find $10 lying around, you’re not going to leave them there because they aren’t $100. Invest a little in yourself, because you’re worth taking 10 minutes a day for.

Wrapping Some Books

I just finished wrapping some children’s books for my friends’ children and I really like what I got out of some brown wrapping paper and Posca paint markers.

The books are all by Philip Reeve and Sarah McIntyre and they’re a delight that’s fun to read even as an adult (the mark of a good children’s book in my opinion).

Can you guess which book is under which wrapper?

One Year Since I Finished Chemo

When you finish your chemo treatments that’s not the end of your journey with cancer. In a way, it’s just beginning. You enter a new phase, one of constant dread, one of “wait and see”. You are in remission – for now.

And who are you to complain? You are in remission. Many cancer patients don’t get to this blessed state, and you are happy you made it, but it’s alway a happiness with an asterisk. Especially during the first year post treatment.

So, it’s been a year. I got my last treatment on the 21st of December 2021 (nice date: 21.12.21), and then had about a month of feeling like absolute trash – like three locomotives carrying every ailment in the world slammed into me at once. I was on old school chemo, not the new fangled targeted stuff, no immunotherapy for me: my treatment was discovered in the ’70s and it’s good enough to remain the gold standard 50 years later.

But I kept on walking, and I kept on eating and drinking and taking my meds, and gradually I started to feel better. I got my tastebuds back. My hair started to grow again. My blood tests started to improve. The number of meds I was on got smaller and smaller until it was replaced just by a few vitamins that I was prescribed to take care of the damages still left. I got to see my doctor less and less often. We’re now at the wonderful “every three months” mark. I lost the weight that I gained from the steroids.

I got back to running: 1k, 2k, 3k for while as my lungs got better, my heart got better, and I learned to deal with my PTSD better. Then 4k, 5k, and back to long runs. These days I run five times a week, four 5ks and one 10k long run. And running means so much to me I can’t express how much it means that I get to enjoy it again.

I also got back to lifting weights at the gym, to meeting people face to face, to listening to podcasts that I used to love (though there are some old favourites that I can’t listen to these days). I went back to the office, back to public transit, back to travelling abroad, back to participating in races. I went to two escape rooms with my friends.

But I didn’t go back to being the same person.

That’s impossible, and all the time I see cancer survivors struggling to come to terms with that. Even if you lucked out and didn’t get PTSD (about 25% of patients do), cancer leaves an indelible mark on you, on the way you think, feel and react.

Thankfully I realised that about halfway through my treatments, and I like the new me. And I’m comfortable enough saying that without hedging, explaining or apologising. Period.

I have another year of high risk of relapse, which means a checkup every three months, and then three more years after that of checkups every six months. Then, at the five year mark, I’m ostensibly free. From the cancer patients groups I know there’s no real freedom from this, but it’s something that I’m gradually learning to live with.
Right now I’m still at the “every twinge, cough and ache is a cause for panic” phase. It’s not a fun place to be, and you get to stay there for a good long while. But I’ve made it through the most high risk year for my kind of cancer, the first year, so I get to celebrate for a bit. I brought a cake to work this week, and I plan on celebrating with my family this weekend, and completely ignoring the panicking voice in my head that is yelling that I am tempting fate. If my cancer returns, it returns and I’ll deal with it then.

For now it’s been one year since I finished chemo and I get to celebrate.

Weekly Update: Go on a Run Anyway

It was cold and dark outside this morning, with a chance of rain. My legs and body were sore from a combination of an intense gym session and standing/walking around at a conference yesterday. I didn’t feel like running. I went on a run anyway.

This was my reward:

Rainbow over the Mediterranean

I’ve never regretted a run yet, and today was no different.

Health

I started getting my post chemo treatment tests done, and while my lungs still aren’t 100% (but hopefully will someday get there), my heart and SVC got a clean bill of health. As both the tumour and the chemo slammed it, I’m very relieved that my ticker survived. Can I chalk it up to years of running? Maybe. It surely didn’t hurt.

Reading

I just finished reading “The Golden Enclaves” by Naomi Novik, the final book in the Scholomance trilogy.

It’s rare that I see an author really working out a new concept, a new kind of world building out of a tired trope, and doing it so well. It’s even rarer that the author in question is able to pull it off while still creating a readable and enjoyable story, and one so cohesive that it is clear at every point that this was constructed as a trilogy on purpose, from the start, with every piece of the narrative falling exactly into place in the end with elegance, and without calling attention to itself. This is a mechanically excellent piece of writing that doesn’t call attention to its mechanics.

Instead it calls attention to its characters, their relationships with each other, and in particular their relationship to the deep, inherent, and seemingly justified inequalities in their world. Inequalities and injustices that aren’t very hard to map onto many of those that exist in our world today.

Is the Scholomance trilogy perfect? Of course not. The characters don’t attain true depth because the cast is too large, the world needs building and that needs room, plus, these are teenagers after all. Many of them are still working out their personality. But despite its imperfections this is a very enjoyable trilogy that is worth reading, and won’t leave you feeling like you just consumed several hours of empty air. There’s substance here.

Other stuff

I’ve been creeping back to writing, albeit only adventure writing for D&D. I’m creating a new campaign, in a new world, something that I haven’t done for years.

I’m also looking into planning for next year. I have been really struggling with this mostly because of my cancer related PTSD. More on that maybe in later posts.

If you have Disney+, I recommend watching “The Magic of Animal Kingdom”. It made me smile.

Weekly Update: Ink Washes, Health Scare and Finding My Stride

It’s been a while since I posted an update, and there’s been fewer posts than usual during the last two months. This is mostly because I started a new job in June, and it’s been longer hours and more work than I anticipated at first. I am enjoying myself, but the change means I have less free time, and that I need to prioritise things differently to better fit the things that I care about into my life. Was moving from a cushy and undemanding job to an interesting and fun but much more demanding one a mistake? Time will tell, but so far I’m not regretting the switch.

As I’m starting to find my footing, I’ve been able to find more time for my hobbies. During the early days of my new job the only thing I did was work, exercise, sleep and eat. Then reading came back into my life, and journalling and sketching followed. Meanwhile the Sketching Now Watercolour course is over and I only had time for the first week, but thankfully the materials are all available online so I’ll be able to complete it all eventually.

What’s left my life almost entirely so far is watching TV, and I doubt that it will regularly return. In terms of media consumption, I read and listen to podcasts and that’s about it. I will watch specific things on Disney Plus or watch Adam Savage make things on YouTube, but even that isn’t something that I do often these days. It’s not a value judgement on TV – it’s just that I have less time now, and of the things I could easily get rid of, this was one of them.

Lego Orchid set (it’s gorgeous). I find building these sets very relaxing, and as you can see in the background, I have quite a few more to build…

Another thing that went out the window is social media. I’ve stopped checking Twitter and Facebook regularly. The only thing left is Instagram, which I still spend too much time on for my liking, and as Facebook starts messing with it I may likely leave as well.

Health

I had a bit of a health scare in late June. It was 6 months after my last chemo treatment, and I had some blood work done for a check up with my hemato-oncologist. One of the results was extremely low, and it was for a test that people rarely get and I certainly have never gotten before, so I had no baseline to compare it to. What little information I found online indicated that I either was going through kidney failure/had a kidney tumor or had a rare form of blood cancer (beyond the blood cancer that I already had). Two sleepless nights later my hemato-oncologist (bless her), told me that everything was OK. The rest of my blood work was good, and this test was meaningless for people in my condition. She never asked for it, and I don’t know what possessed my GP to ask for it. In any case, I am now officially well enough to go on the regular post treatment checkup schedule, which means once every three months. Yay!!!

I’m running five times a week now, four 5ks a week and I’ve now started to work in a long run in the hopes to get back to running 10k. It’s tough running in this heat and humidity, especially with my lungs not being 100%, but I’m pushing through and enjoying myself. Running is my meditation, and has remained that way even though I now also meditate as part of ACT.

I’m also going twice a week to lift weights in the gym, nowadays with a mask on to avoid COVID. I’ve been vaccinated four times, but am now working from home again and staying masked as I can’t afford to get sick with the state of my lungs. Practically nobody is wearing masks anymore, and almost everyone around me is sick, so it’s been frustrating to try and stay healthy under these conditions. I’m hoping that the Omicron variant vaccine will be available here in a month or so, and I’m keeping an eye on the numbers to know when I can go back to the office and see people face to face again.

Reading

I’ve finished Hillary Mantel’s “The Mirror and the Light”, the third and final book in her trilogy about Thomas Cromwell. I’ll write a more lengthy review of it on Goodreads, but I will say that I got tired of the book at around the 60% mark (it’s about 900 pages long), and it didn’t really recover from that point on. I can see why Mantel struggled with this one, and I don’t regret reading it, but it’s not as good as the previous two books, and it could have done with some robust (and perhaps ruthless) editing.

I’ve also finished Ali Smith’s “Companion Piece”, which is a companion piece to her seasonal quartet of novels (Autumn, Winter, Spring, Summer) and is excellent. You don’t need to read the quartet to enjoy this book, and “Companion Piece” would also be a good introduction to Smith’s writing. It’s written in stream of consciousness style, although it’s fairly easy to understand (nothing as complex as Joyce), and there’s a joy in her writing, compassion, insight and humour that make reading her always an enjoyable and worthy pastime.

As these were a bit challenging to read, I had an Agatha Christie “palate cleanser” in the shape of two novels: “The Man in the Brown Suit” and “Crooked House”. “The Man in the Brown Suit” is a detective/adventure story that was originally light hearted, but today just doesn’t work. There’s too much racism and sexism to bear, especially if you know anything at all about the history of South Africa, diamond mines, and labour relations in Africa. “Crooked House” was one of Christie’s favourite novels, and it’s a fun and interesting book with many original characters (and yes, also spots of racism).

Pens, Pencils and Notebooks

I’ve been playing around a lot with ink washes lately, as I’ve written here. They’re a fun and quick way to add colour to a sketch, and having a limited palette makes me appreciate colour values more.

Quick sketch of squash plants gone wild in a local garden.

I’ve written almost all of my fountain pens dry, with the exception of a Franklin Christoph 45L Sage with a S.I.G fine nib (filled with Bungobox June Bride Something Blue ink) and a Platinum Plaisir filled with the blue cartridge it came with. The other fountain pens I have inked (two Lamy’s and two Sailor Fude pens) are used for sketching and not writing. I’ll likely fill up a few pens next week.

From left to right: Platinum Plaisir, Franklin Christoph 45L Sage, Sailor Fude pen, Lamy Lx Rose Gold, Lamy Safari white and red, Sailor Fude pen.

The BigIDesign Dual Side Click pen arrived from the kickstarted that I backed, and it’s fantastic. I hope to have a review up next week, but so far I’ve really enjoyed using it, and I think that it’s their best pen yet (which is saying something).

I’ve decided to start switching around the pencils that I use, instead of writing one down to a nub. I’ve been using a vintage Eberhard Faber Mongol pencil this week, and a Musgrave Tennessee Red one. They’re both #2 or HB pencils, but the Tennessee Red one is much softer and darker.

I’ve changed the way I use my notebooks, streamlining certain things, consolidating notebooks on the one hand, and starting a new notebook (MD A5 blank paper notebook) for insights and ideas that I would have previously explored on social media and now prefer to explore in private, on paper. I’m no longer chasing likes for these things, as I’m more interested in giving the thoughts in my head time and space to grow and change, and Twitter and Facebook are the last places to allow for that.

All the Rest

I’m back to decluttering my house, a project that I had started working on before I got sick and until now didn’t have energy to get back to. Yesterday I found a stash of half used notebooks that I forgot that I ever had, and it was bizarre to go over them and read what my pre-Covid, pre-cancer self thought about life in 2014-2015.